Blessings Journaling (Aug.21.2014d.)

Blessings Journaling (Aug.21.2014d.)

2014-08-21 14:30:21

298 For 297 blessings so far. 

READING "ONE THOUSAND GIFTS" BY ANN VOSKAMP

"From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story.

Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. Ultimately, in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom into the heart of Eden. Satan’s sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are, simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave.

Isn’t that the catalyst of all my sins?

Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.

-- Voskamp, Ann (2011-01-04). One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (p. 15). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Don't we usually want more? 

We are so greedy in that way. 

Isn't the cure for this greediness to count our blessings--and if we're going to search for something more, shouldn't we see how many blessings we can count and how much we can find and witness God at work? 

How often have I missed more--through my busyness, stubbornness, and lack of mindfulness? More of God's blessings. More glory? More goodness? More amazement? How often have I missed the blessing right in front of me? 

Lord, open my eyes to find and see more of Your blessings. 

Grace, it means “favor,” from the Latin gratia. It connotes a free readiness. A free and ready favor . That’s grace . It is one thing to choose to take the grace offered at the cross. But to choose to live as one filling with His grace? Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and fully live—with glory and grace and God?

-- Voskamp, Ann (2011-01-04). One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (pp. 17-18). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Psalm 119:18 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

18 Open my eyes so that I may contemplate
wonderful things from Your instruction.

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers, Nashville Tennessee. All rights reserved.

Psalm 115:11-16 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

11 You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord!
He is their help and shield.
12 The Lord remembers us and will bless us.
He will bless the house of Israel;
He will bless the house of Aaron;
13 He will bless those who fear the Lord—
small and great alike.

14 May the Lord add to your numbers,
both yours and your children’s.
15 May you be blessed by the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
16 The heavens are the Lord’s,
but the earth He has given to the human race.

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers, Nashville Tennessee. All rights reserved.

How do we see God's blessings? We have to search for them, actively, intentionally, and look all around--high and low, in and out, and everywhere. 

299 My husband. The most loving and caring man and mate. He's amazing. 

300 Spaghetti noodles--whole grain--drizzled with butter. 

I want to choose to find the blessing, rather than the yucky stuff. Why focus on the negative? 

I choose to find the blessing in the storm. He's stirring, after all. The mess is in the stirred, not in the unstirred. He's making us His masterpiece. I cooperate with Him as I search for the blessing and not focusing on the growing pains. 

I pray I will continually do this--and by golly--not stop. 

Choosing the way of blessings, not of curse, is what I hope to continually seek. There is so much to lose if I don't. I don't want to miss out on any of the blessings God wants to bestow on me. 

I don't want to live the negative life. I certainly don't want to live a doubt-filled life. I want to live a strong faith regardless of the situation or the people in my life. I want to stand so strongly on the promises of God that a hurricane force wind won't knock me off. But, how can I do this? Is it possible? What if counting my blessings in spite of the yuck of life? What about counting the mess a blessing? What if I can see all the time through the mess of life how He is stirring and creating a masterwork in me--through counting my blessings?

What if counting my blessings corrects my near-sighted, far-sighted, astigmatism eyesight? What if counting my blessings is the balm of my soul? What if counting my blessings brings joy? What if counting my blessings is the very thing that brings clarity? 

How can I count my blessings in times of pain and uncertainty? I'm starting to realize I have far more to lose if I don't. 

What if all God wanted me to do with the rest of my life, and for the rest of my life, was indeed counting my blessings? Would it be enough? Would I be satisfied? You bet I would. Is it enough? It's more than. 

How can I count my blessings when it's hard to read most books, most magazines, watch most television shows, and even go out in public? How can I when I look all around and I see babies and children--and long for a baby or child of my own? 

Yes. Reading Ann Voskamp's book, as she talks about her family... Reading her blog as well can hurt sometimes because of how much I ache for children. Hearing her journey as a mother makes me long even more to have the same experience. Yes. It hurts. But, the blessings I receive from reading her writing far outweighs the hurts. I have far more to lose if I didn't read her writings. 

How can I count my blessings when most of what I have in my life right now is uncertainty? 

The answer is simple. I cannot imagine not going through the lack of kiddo or certainty of my future--if I failed to count my blessings. 

Living fully, and the most, is counting the most blessings. Why and how? Because it's searching for God, his work, and His glory. 

IS IT TIME? 

Is it time for me to write through my/our infertility?  I cannot help but wonder. I've tried to several times now. But, words seem so narrow when I try. How could I ever convey the depth of the pain and longing caused by infertility? Words cheapen the experience. 

But, then I read Ann Voskamp's words--her lyrical writing--and I think--maybe. Maybe I can. 

The truth of the matter is in the last three and a half years, almost four years that we've been dealing with this, I really haven't journaled about the infertility. Not to the depth I could or probably should. Some pain and longing is so deep it's hard to know where or how to start the mining.

I wonder if I can, then the doubts creep in as I wonder how do, or can, you count the blessings of this?

Both my husband, B, and I are infertile. Not one. Not the other. Both. 

Where is the blessing in that? 

Of God has a perfect plan. And, God sure knows what He is doing. Those, I do not doubt. God's got this. I know that. 

But, how can I count my blessings in this? Every day for almost forty years. I've wanted a baby or a child. Every day. Not one day has passed I didn't want a kiddo. 

I imagined for decades what it would be like for God to grow and form a baby in my womb--and the bond between a mother and child. 

What's it like to feel the fetus move inside of you the first time? And, every time thereafter? 

What's it like to experience your husband's hand on your swollen belly--or hearing his sweet and tender voice as he talks to the baby through your belly? 

What's it like to see them on the ultrasound? 

What's it like when after you go through the birth--to see them and hold them, hear them, smell them, touch them, and pray over them for the first time? 

I will never know. B will never know. 

Ouch. 

I started to go through ONE THOUSAND GIFTS after the second round of IVF didn't work and we were told it never would--not to try again--goodbye. The book sure helped me for a while. Then, it started to hurt too much as she talked about being a mom... So I stopped reading it. Reading it again, I see why I stopped reading it the first time. Her talking about motherhood causes me to ache. However, that's not the totality of her writing and her talking about motherhood adds more depth to what she conveys. 

Few understand the path of infertility--except those who have gone through it. 

Don't even get me started about what happens inside of me when I hear parents complain about being a parent--or worse getting pregnant. Or, when I hear a mom tell her child they are good for nothing. 

Don't even get me started about women out there who are murdering their babies in abortion or with their hands--when I would trade anything for one. 

Is it worth reading this book--as it stirs all of this up inside of me? You bet it is. It just hurts. But, maybe it's growing pains--as God walks me through another stage of healing. 

How can I count my blessings through all of this? Easily. I have far more to lose if I don;t. There. That's the bottom-line. God is always at work in me, through me, and around me. All I need to do is search for Him and focus on Him rather than on all of the mess. And, I need to remember the mess is in the unstirred--and is not in the stirring.