Nov/18/2015: I just realized I never published this on my blog. Sorry it is out of order.
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I regret, as I sit here in my study, at 7:52 a.m. on the first day of October 2015, that I did not say first thing: "Lord, thank You for this day--an opportunity to remember Kara and count the blessings of her. Thank You for the opportunity to live a better day today because of her and I want to live well for her." As silly as it might sound, I want her to be proud of what my life becomes as I live life anew for her memory and to make sure not one day of her life with us over the last year not to be in vain.
It's interesting. I cannot believe that I am thinking along those lines now. Never mind writing it (journaling it) and sharing these thoughts out loud and with others.
However, the more I think about it... Why is it silly to live a life of blessing, where I can count a trillion because of her alone? Why is it odd to be extra attentive to count my blessings of her and because of her? Shouldn't we all have something or someone in our lives that blesses us so much that we cannot help but live a life of thanksgiving and gratitude... a life of blessing?
It does not matter who or what brings this life transformation. What matters is that it does. Living a life of gratitude and giving thanks... a life of blessing... Isn't this how we are supposed to live and why? And, what better life could we live?
And, all of this comes from a cat.
From our Kara Beara. Little Bit. Lady Kara. Baby Girl. Girlie.
All of this comes from "just a cat."
I roll my eyes. Whoever says that she was "just a cat" has no idea what they are talking about. Anyone who has owned a critter, and has invested everything possible in that companion, knows good and well Kara was not "just a cat." Only a fool would ever claim she, or any of them, are.
Kara was a companion. A loyal companion and friend at that.
Furthermore, Kara loved for the first time in her life--and she was loved.
Our cancer kitty was the biggest love bug and I could tell how much she appreciated everything we did for her. The lifelong feral cat became a loving and loved family member and she knew it. She knew how good she had it. She lived a life of thanks, where she basked in her love for us and our love for her. Her mannerisms showed this.
She was happy.
Content.
Grateful.
Kara remembered the life she had in the wild and realized how good her life was.
Isn't this the way we are supposed to live? Isn't this how we are to live a life of faith?
Kara lived a blessed life and she counted them. My husband and I will try to do the same because of her.
It's truly a blessed life we live.
This month... this year... this decade... this life... I will be purposeful about living a life of blessing because of her.
This morning I woke up and failed to give thanks for her and this new day where I can remember our Little Dove. I regret that. I will try to not do the same tomorrow. But, I realize I may mess up and fail to do so again. Therefore, once I remember, which I pray is in the morning that day, I will make sure to remember her and count as many blessings as possible. I will live that day with thanksgiving and gratitude.
Showing posts with label October 2015. Show all posts
Showing posts with label October 2015. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
A Tough Weekend
This weekend was another tough weekend. My husband had a three day weekend, which was simply delightful in that regard. However, it was a tough one.
We sailed along mostly smooth sails, with a few moments of waves last week. Then, this weekend we were caught in a storm of grief and bounced around all over the place and we both thought we would drown at times. But, we tried to remember our ultimate LifeSaver, the One who is in control of the storms and who creates the storms.
Grief is a strange thing. You just never know when the waves of grief might hit or if they become so strong the waves produce a storm.
How long is grief supposed to last?
My husband and I both have counseling backgrounds and know grief and loss and how to walk people through it, let me add. Therefore, you have context for these next statements:
We have learned through experience how time does not heal all wounds. This is a lie and don't let anyone tell you differently. {We have told folks this in counseling and then we quickly add...} But, time is a great teacher and it teaches us how to live life with the pain and how to make the pain a companion and not an enemy.
We have also counseled people to do their proper grief work and wallow in it as much as possible for three days or so and then start to slowly pick up the pieces.
However, we add, there will be times... Times that you don't see coming... Times that might make sense whatsoever, triggered by what you may perceive as silly at the time... Times that you have to start all over with your grief work. It happens. Don't try to make sense of it. You can't. Just know that this is normal. Just wallow in it for a couple of days, then pick yourself back up and try to gather the pieces again.
And, through it all, remember the most important thing of all: To count your blessings every moment. That's the secret to not allowing the grief to carry you away. That's the secret to slow life in this normally fast paced world. While grieving it's even more important so it keeps your feet firmly planted on earth and keeps you in the now and helps you live intentionally and with purpose so you can turn your grief into something to work for you and against you. For, in your grief, you will count far more blessings because beauty sure stands out in times of grey or black or navy blue.
Huh. All of that makes perfect sense. It shows great wisdom of life experience and our backgrounds. Implementing it is a little more of a challenge.
We sailed along mostly smooth sails, with a few moments of waves last week. Then, this weekend we were caught in a storm of grief and bounced around all over the place and we both thought we would drown at times. But, we tried to remember our ultimate LifeSaver, the One who is in control of the storms and who creates the storms.
Grief is a strange thing. You just never know when the waves of grief might hit or if they become so strong the waves produce a storm.
How long is grief supposed to last?
My husband and I both have counseling backgrounds and know grief and loss and how to walk people through it, let me add. Therefore, you have context for these next statements:
We have learned through experience how time does not heal all wounds. This is a lie and don't let anyone tell you differently. {We have told folks this in counseling and then we quickly add...} But, time is a great teacher and it teaches us how to live life with the pain and how to make the pain a companion and not an enemy.
We have also counseled people to do their proper grief work and wallow in it as much as possible for three days or so and then start to slowly pick up the pieces.
However, we add, there will be times... Times that you don't see coming... Times that might make sense whatsoever, triggered by what you may perceive as silly at the time... Times that you have to start all over with your grief work. It happens. Don't try to make sense of it. You can't. Just know that this is normal. Just wallow in it for a couple of days, then pick yourself back up and try to gather the pieces again.
And, through it all, remember the most important thing of all: To count your blessings every moment. That's the secret to not allowing the grief to carry you away. That's the secret to slow life in this normally fast paced world. While grieving it's even more important so it keeps your feet firmly planted on earth and keeps you in the now and helps you live intentionally and with purpose so you can turn your grief into something to work for you and against you. For, in your grief, you will count far more blessings because beauty sure stands out in times of grey or black or navy blue.
Huh. All of that makes perfect sense. It shows great wisdom of life experience and our backgrounds. Implementing it is a little more of a challenge.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Grief is a Funny Thing
Grief has no sense to it and often makes us do crazy, zangy things. Grief comes in like waves in an ocean heading toward a beach and it leaves in much the same way, in waves.
I barely slept last night. Last night around ten p.m. the grief hit me like it did that first Sunday after Kara was Home. I keep getting weepy and have sobbed as well. It hurts. I just miss Kara so much.
Day sixteen feels like day one in many ways.
Ouch.
I barely slept last night. Last night around ten p.m. the grief hit me like it did that first Sunday after Kara was Home. I keep getting weepy and have sobbed as well. It hurts. I just miss Kara so much.
Day sixteen feels like day one in many ways.
Ouch.
Moments with Kara
Pulled herself up onto things--with no claws.
How did she get on Bob's towel on the toilet seat anyway? The Mysteries of Kara
Looking at overpasses and semitrucks.
Bob's thoughts as to the most important thing about Kara: Where she is.
Kara and timer light.
Kara waking me for love in middle of the night.
Sleeping on jogging pants.
Her purr.
The last night red and blue shirts.
How did she get on Bob's towel on the toilet seat anyway? The Mysteries of Kara
Looking at overpasses and semitrucks.
Bob's thoughts as to the most important thing about Kara: Where she is.
Kara and timer light.
Kara waking me for love in middle of the night.
Sleeping on jogging pants.
Her purr.
The last night red and blue shirts.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
The Most Important Thing About Kara
What is the most important thing I need to, and want to, share about Kara? Her story? About her being in our lives?
What is the most important thing about Kara?
What is the most important thing that should be told about Kara?
She lived.
That's the answer, I think. Is anything else more important about her than that?
I just don't have think so.
What is the most important thing about Kara?
What is the most important thing that should be told about Kara?
She lived.
That's the answer, I think. Is anything else more important about her than that?
I just don't have think so.
This Blog is My Writing Notebook
There should blog is my writing notebook. It is what I'm using to write Kara's story and I will use this to journal and get my thoughts down on the page. This is where I will get it all down on the page and I hope to make my mistakes here. I also hope to make it count.
Small Cat, Huge Hole
Kara went Home fifteen days ago.
I still miss her terribly and my heart still aches for her. I'm not sure if this will ever stop. She was our earthbound angel. Our Little Love.
How can someone so small leave such a huge hole in a heart?
I still miss her terribly and my heart still aches for her. I'm not sure if this will ever stop. She was our earthbound angel. Our Little Love.
How can someone so small leave such a huge hole in a heart?
Another Memories List of Moments with Kara
Sinan and the mouse, then Kara and the mouse.
Driving across country.
Driving to Cheyenne.
Chicken.
How she not my thumb, thinking it was chicken.
The red cinnamon tint to her fur when in the sunlight.
Her black skid mark under her chin.
Her half smile marking on the side of her mouth.
In your face when begging.
Didn't play usually.
Rubberbands.
White whiskers, white eyebrows.
How when she meowed her ears went flat.
Tunnel.
Sleeping on plastic and electric things, plus my comb binding machine.
Hurt hind quarters.
Easy to get in the garage after I was concerned.
When she first saw me with a towel on my head.
How she liked my scents.
How she used to do obstacle courses to get from one piece of furniture to another.
How she caught Sinan in her box.
How she caught Sinan in her food.
How Sinan jumped in our bed on top of her when she was sleeping and she let him have it.
How she never understood Sinan wanted to play and not hurt her.
She loved to curl up on top of cardboard or corregated boxes.
How she made me take breaks when I worked and wrote.
She knew we protected her from Sinan.
Kitty crossed-paws.
How she slept on my side of the bed.
Collecting urine.
Never had to be trained with cat box.
How she was so resilient.
Driving across country.
Driving to Cheyenne.
Chicken.
How she not my thumb, thinking it was chicken.
The red cinnamon tint to her fur when in the sunlight.
Her black skid mark under her chin.
Her half smile marking on the side of her mouth.
In your face when begging.
Didn't play usually.
Rubberbands.
White whiskers, white eyebrows.
How when she meowed her ears went flat.
Tunnel.
Sleeping on plastic and electric things, plus my comb binding machine.
Hurt hind quarters.
Easy to get in the garage after I was concerned.
When she first saw me with a towel on my head.
How she liked my scents.
How she used to do obstacle courses to get from one piece of furniture to another.
How she caught Sinan in her box.
How she caught Sinan in her food.
How Sinan jumped in our bed on top of her when she was sleeping and she let him have it.
How she never understood Sinan wanted to play and not hurt her.
She loved to curl up on top of cardboard or corregated boxes.
How she made me take breaks when I worked and wrote.
She knew we protected her from Sinan.
Kitty crossed-paws.
How she slept on my side of the bed.
Collecting urine.
Never had to be trained with cat box.
How she was so resilient.
Critter Induced Make-You-Worried Moments
Since I last wrote in this journal, and just in the last week, we've dealt with some moments that would make us concerned on a normal day. However, with just having to put Kara to sleep, we are extra sensitive... and when I say we, I really mean me...
First, Sinan found me in my study sitting at my table journaling and he gave a huge meow. I jumped. Then, I started to chuckle as my gaze went to the floor and toward the Orange Maine Coon cat.
Sinan had his eyes held shut and he tried to open them, but was squinty instead. My chuckle stopped. "Are you okay?"
He tried to open his eyes again. He couldn't.
My heart started to pound. "What did you get into?" I asked him as I reached for a tissue I dunked in my glass of water and wiped his eyes. He didn't fight me at all, which was the next sign and told me he was feeling miserable. Usually he would try to pull away and remind me how he doesn't like humans grooming him in any way.
"Does that help?"
He was able to open his eyes a little for a moment and then did the squinting thing once again.
My heart stopped for when raced as I thought about what you did for humans under these circumstances. You wash your/their eyes in an eye cup or in any cup. How could you do that with a cat? Or a baby? I wondered and that's had me thinking.
I grabbed another tissue, drenched it with water, and wiped his eyes again. Then, I threw away the tissue and got a new one I repeated this several times. He seemed better when I finished up my wiping/washing and he headed toward our bedroom. I followed him and watched him for a few and then headed back to my study. A little while again, he found me again and meowed and we repeated the process, but with cotton balls rather than tissue.
Was he okay?
I tested my husband, a little freaked out, and we put it together that I had the laundry room door open and was in the process of doing laundry. We figured out the lent got to him when he walked in the room, and he had an allergic reaction. He was better, but I wiped his eyes a few more times, and so did my husband, before we went to bed and when we woke up the next morning, he acted fine. {Thank the Lord. Phew.}
Now, for incident number two. My mom's cat disappeared for about five hours and she let me know. Her cat did the disappear in plain sight thing and wondered why my mom was so concerned. Sigh. {Cats! Eye roll, head shake.}
Then, our almost 16 year old Beagle, Zack, has had a cough because of allergies since June. It's been getting progressively worse and led to five nights in a row of our interrupted sleep. Then, two nights ago, he coughed for about an hour straight and had us both concerned. We kept wondering if we needed to call pet urgent care, take him to CSU, or what. Not again with breathing issues. That's what led us to putting Kara to sleep. Now, it was Zack!
He calmed down, though, and a couple of hours later when the vet clinic opened, we called and got him in for an urgent care appointment. It ended up being allergies and now the three of us are on the same allergy medicine.
Three instances where critters brought concern, but it all turned out alright, thank the Lord. Phew. What blessings.
First, Sinan found me in my study sitting at my table journaling and he gave a huge meow. I jumped. Then, I started to chuckle as my gaze went to the floor and toward the Orange Maine Coon cat.
Sinan had his eyes held shut and he tried to open them, but was squinty instead. My chuckle stopped. "Are you okay?"
He tried to open his eyes again. He couldn't.
My heart started to pound. "What did you get into?" I asked him as I reached for a tissue I dunked in my glass of water and wiped his eyes. He didn't fight me at all, which was the next sign and told me he was feeling miserable. Usually he would try to pull away and remind me how he doesn't like humans grooming him in any way.
"Does that help?"
He was able to open his eyes a little for a moment and then did the squinting thing once again.
My heart stopped for when raced as I thought about what you did for humans under these circumstances. You wash your/their eyes in an eye cup or in any cup. How could you do that with a cat? Or a baby? I wondered and that's had me thinking.
I grabbed another tissue, drenched it with water, and wiped his eyes again. Then, I threw away the tissue and got a new one I repeated this several times. He seemed better when I finished up my wiping/washing and he headed toward our bedroom. I followed him and watched him for a few and then headed back to my study. A little while again, he found me again and meowed and we repeated the process, but with cotton balls rather than tissue.
Was he okay?
I tested my husband, a little freaked out, and we put it together that I had the laundry room door open and was in the process of doing laundry. We figured out the lent got to him when he walked in the room, and he had an allergic reaction. He was better, but I wiped his eyes a few more times, and so did my husband, before we went to bed and when we woke up the next morning, he acted fine. {Thank the Lord. Phew.}
Now, for incident number two. My mom's cat disappeared for about five hours and she let me know. Her cat did the disappear in plain sight thing and wondered why my mom was so concerned. Sigh. {Cats! Eye roll, head shake.}
Then, our almost 16 year old Beagle, Zack, has had a cough because of allergies since June. It's been getting progressively worse and led to five nights in a row of our interrupted sleep. Then, two nights ago, he coughed for about an hour straight and had us both concerned. We kept wondering if we needed to call pet urgent care, take him to CSU, or what. Not again with breathing issues. That's what led us to putting Kara to sleep. Now, it was Zack!
He calmed down, though, and a couple of hours later when the vet clinic opened, we called and got him in for an urgent care appointment. It ended up being allergies and now the three of us are on the same allergy medicine.
Three instances where critters brought concern, but it all turned out alright, thank the Lord. Phew. What blessings.
Time and Space Needed
I hadn't realized how desperately I need died a little time and space from this story, but I did. It was too close and painful. Space and time were needed.
I tried to turn her story into a fantasy series, but that quickly backfired and now I think I am ready to commit to writing Kara's story and Moments with Kara... her story with us and our story with her. I will commit to writing at least 12,000 words per week between now and the end of November, then 7,000 words per week. I will take part in NaNoWriMo {National Novel Writing Month or NaNo}, but will write nonfiction instead and an inspirational animal lover's memoir. Needless to say, I hope to write around 71,000 words at least between now and the end of December.
I needed time and space to heal so I could do her story justice and not fall apart. Kara deserves no less.
I tried to turn her story into a fantasy series, but that quickly backfired and now I think I am ready to commit to writing Kara's story and Moments with Kara... her story with us and our story with her. I will commit to writing at least 12,000 words per week between now and the end of November, then 7,000 words per week. I will take part in NaNoWriMo {National Novel Writing Month or NaNo}, but will write nonfiction instead and an inspirational animal lover's memoir. Needless to say, I hope to write around 71,000 words at least between now and the end of December.
I needed time and space to heal so I could do her story justice and not fall apart. Kara deserves no less.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Sinan's Morning on October 01, 2015
Every morning, I would get out of bed and head to the restroom. Kara followed me in most mornings and when she did, she would let me pet her for a few seconds and then she would head to the shower and lie there and watch me as I brushed my teeth. Her nose would go into the air when I took my multivitamins. They are fruit smelling gummies and Kara just loved the smell.
When I left the restroom, she followed me and would get back on our bed to watch me grab my cell and tablet, which were on the nightstand, and we would then spend a few minutes where I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head and I would pet her as she purred only like Kara could purr. Being deaf meant she purred quite loud and it just touched us. It grabbed our heart every time.
Well... This morning, our other cat, Sinan, followed in her paws and he followed me into the bathroom, let me pet him, and he went into the shower. And he lied there! Granted, it was after he looked at me as if to ask, "Is this okay?" Of course I told him to go ahead and that it was perfectly okay.
He had never done that.
What a combination of heart touching and heart breaking.
I am still not sure how I kept myself together and didn't start sobbing right then and there.
I quickly opened the bathroom door and told Bob to look and see as Sinan remained there in the shower, with his nose in the air as he smelled for Little Bit.
How precious.
When I left the restroom, she followed me and would get back on our bed to watch me grab my cell and tablet, which were on the nightstand, and we would then spend a few minutes where I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head and I would pet her as she purred only like Kara could purr. Being deaf meant she purred quite loud and it just touched us. It grabbed our heart every time.
Well... This morning, our other cat, Sinan, followed in her paws and he followed me into the bathroom, let me pet him, and he went into the shower. And he lied there! Granted, it was after he looked at me as if to ask, "Is this okay?" Of course I told him to go ahead and that it was perfectly okay.
He had never done that.
What a combination of heart touching and heart breaking.
I am still not sure how I kept myself together and didn't start sobbing right then and there.
I quickly opened the bathroom door and told Bob to look and see as Sinan remained there in the shower, with his nose in the air as he smelled for Little Bit.
How precious.
The Blessings of Keeping a Journal
I have kept a journal for over thirty-two years and for the last three years in particular, I've journaled a minimum of five hours a week, with some weeks being closer to forty-five hours. Hence, you might say that I am a packrat of my journaling. {Never mind how I make sure to do everything I can to get everything saved in my journaling.}
My email is a vast source of extra journal keeping material and so is my blogging. Needless to say, I have the record of Kara's life over the past year. I just need to find it and get down here in this private blog journal and from there turn it into a blog I will share publicly [and that will then be turned into a book].
Since today is the first day of NaJoWriMo {National Journal Writing Month}, I decided I needed to make sure to capture everything on the page and the best way to do that was to start at the very beginning. I glanced in my journaling and did not have nearly enough material for the first couple of weeks after Kara found us. Therefore, I turned to my blogging and my emailing at the time. I started to read through the emails this morning and started to remember things I had forgotten. Thank the Lord I use my email and blogging as a form of journaling as well; otherwise, I would have some significant gaps in Kara's story. I was also reminded how finicky the memory can be. What a reminder it is how critical it is to journal. If I hadn't done some form of journal keeping, I would have lost some incredible memories of Kara.
It rather surprised me how easy and enjoyable it was to find the material on Kara. I imagined it would be rough and I might end up sobbing because of it, but that simply was not the case. It made me grin to remember moments with Kara.
The most important thing to know about Kara is that she had personality. She was a spitfire and a lovebug, with all the shades in between. It was what made her so delightful to get to know and love. She was feral and over the last year she made the shift from wild to lover. What a delight.
The blessings of keeping a journal never cease and Kara's tale is only proof of this.
My email is a vast source of extra journal keeping material and so is my blogging. Needless to say, I have the record of Kara's life over the past year. I just need to find it and get down here in this private blog journal and from there turn it into a blog I will share publicly [and that will then be turned into a book].
Since today is the first day of NaJoWriMo {National Journal Writing Month}, I decided I needed to make sure to capture everything on the page and the best way to do that was to start at the very beginning. I glanced in my journaling and did not have nearly enough material for the first couple of weeks after Kara found us. Therefore, I turned to my blogging and my emailing at the time. I started to read through the emails this morning and started to remember things I had forgotten. Thank the Lord I use my email and blogging as a form of journaling as well; otherwise, I would have some significant gaps in Kara's story. I was also reminded how finicky the memory can be. What a reminder it is how critical it is to journal. If I hadn't done some form of journal keeping, I would have lost some incredible memories of Kara.
It rather surprised me how easy and enjoyable it was to find the material on Kara. I imagined it would be rough and I might end up sobbing because of it, but that simply was not the case. It made me grin to remember moments with Kara.
The most important thing to know about Kara is that she had personality. She was a spitfire and a lovebug, with all the shades in between. It was what made her so delightful to get to know and love. She was feral and over the last year she made the shift from wild to lover. What a delight.
The blessings of keeping a journal never cease and Kara's tale is only proof of this.
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