THE ANSWER IS WHAT I MOST FEARED: A PERSONAL STORY OF BLESSING
Written 2014-10-14 06:37:36, Tuesday
Over the last few days, a question has popped into my mind. "What if this isn't what God wants from us--in the way we thought?"
The "this" is an answer and direction for something I have wanted all of my life, every single day, but with my husband in particular since October 2008. It's been a strong desire in my heart for four decades. Therefore, the question of what if God doesn't want it from us was a puzzle to me. I couldn't think of a day I didn't want this.
The journey my husband and I have gone through, hands linked, has been a painful one. We've experienced several doors slamming, not just gently closing, along our way. It's been a constant struggle. However, we remained faithful and hopeful. We had no other choice. Doing anything else would have made our plight worse.
The question of what if God didn't want it was puzzling and it hurt. After all we've been through in trying to pursue this dream, what if? What? It just didn't make sense.
I didn't bring it up to my husband until yesterday because I needed to think it through and try to process what God asked me. In fact, I wrestled with it, mourned it, and felt rather shocked by this. Yet, there was an unexplainable peace underneath the surface at the same time.
How was that possible? My biggest fear, the stuff nightmares are made of, was the path I felt steered toward and I was and am terrified of going off the edge of a cliff and the point of no return. This was not what I wanted all of my life or for my life. It was the exact opposite.
My husband (whom I'll call "B") and I planned on going to Historic Jamestowne over the four-day weekend and make the trek we've made for four years, where we travel the Colonial Parkway every weekend for about three weeks to watch the color of the Fall leaves change and I take several photos. I had a feeling this would be a good time to bring it up to him. It would give us at least four hours of uninterrupted time where we could talk about this and process it together.
The problem was, I had no idea how to bring it up to B. It was one of those life-altering questions where once you asked the impossible question, nothing would or could be the same for you as a couple again, never mind individually. But, it was one of those questions I knew would grow us stronger and closer as a couple after we processed it together. After all, we would choose to make this the result as we clung to one another.
We usually go to our favorite restaurant before we head for one of the trips to Jamestown, which we try to make at least once a month, so it was tradition. After we finished our yummy omelets, and nursed our colorful mugs of coffee, this popped out of my mouth before I even realized it, "B, there's been something on my mind and in my heart the past few days. I'm going to ask a question, but it can be open-ended... What if God doesn't want us to...?"
His eyes went wide then narrow as he said, "Remember a morning this week when you sensed something was bothering me? I heard God ask me the same question."
We talked and realized we both were asked the question by God and were arriving at the same decision and struggling through it at the exact same time and in the same way. It was a triple confirmation: once for me, once for B, and as a couple. We leaned in to one another a little bit closer as we sat there, dumbfounded, and we tried to process what was happening.
The trip to Historic Jamestowne was nothing like the over thirty trips we have made before. Everything was still and peaceful. There was no breeze or wind and the water was smooth as glass. Also, the traffic was light. It was the peace of stillness which happens after a major storm. My husband took note of it as he asked me, "Are we finally out of the storm? Because I feel the peace that transcends all understanding."
"Me, too."
What blessings we received yesterday: answers, direction, a situation which strengthened us individually and as a couple, close as to God, etc. I am so humbled and cannot help but count these blessings.
Have you ever noticed that there are answers that take years?
Have you ever noticed that the journey to the biggest answers and direction often are the most painful and costly?
Have you ever noticed there are times the answer and direction you fear the most is the one you are asked to take--and it ends up being the biggest blessing, though in the past you never would have thought it could be?
If B and I didn't stand together, linked hands, as we tackled this issue all these years, we could have easily fallen apart. It could have cost our marriage and sent us into major depression. Instead, the growth we've experienced has only made this far more of a blessing. We've been stretched and matured. We've been given a whole new perspective and it's changed literally everything of our futures.
Nothing we envisioned of our future, of our next four to six decades, is going to come to pass. (Yikes.) But, that's the exciting part. We're going on this new adventure together, with our God. We cannot wait to see the journey in which God takes us.
By Stacy Duplease, Tidewater Area of Virginia
