PERSONAL JOURNALING BLOG POST (12.17.2014)
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TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR THIS BLOG POST
A PERSONAL JOURNALING (12.17.2014a.): IMPORTANT QUESTIONS--IT'S TIME TO COMMIT
B STILLNESS AND BREATH (12.17.2014b.)
C PERSONAL JOURNALING (12.17.2014c.): YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF "THOSE" DAYS
D BLOG TO BOOK (12.17.2014d.)
E PERSONAL JOURNALING: YESTERDAY'S SAGA PART 2 (12.17.2014e.)
F PERSONAL JOURNALING BLOG POST (12.17.2014f): THE REALIZATION
G END OF YEAR JOURNALING FOR 2014 (A JOURNALING HOW-TO AND PROMPT OR EXERCISE) (12.17.2014)
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PERSONAL JOURNALING (12.17.2014a.): IMPORTANT QUESTIONS--IT'S TIME TO COMMIT
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS: IT'S TIME TO COMMIT
I have stopped and asked myself a very important question. What do I want to do every day for the rest of my life? I figured out that answer.
Then, I asked myself another question: How do I want to write professionally right now? I figured out that answer.
Then, I asked myself another question: How do I want to write professionally for the rest of my life? I figured out that answer.
Finally, I asked myself this: If I could write anything at all for the rest of my life, the most ideal writing, what would it be? I figured out that answer as well.
The answer to each was this: Journaling.
Plain and simple.
So what have I done most days since I was eight years old or so (32 years)? I have journaled. Furthermore, what have I done off and on all day long for about thirteen years? I've journaled. And, what have I done more so daily of since July--and more than any other period of time in my life? I have journaled.
Journaling is my way of life.
Blessings Journaling has been my focus for several months he now as well.
So, why have I bothered with anything else?
I am a journalkeeper.
So... This is me, making the commitment... Once and for all. I am a journalkeeper. Period. Any questions? (I just asked myself that question, no one else.)
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STILLNESS AND BREATH (12.17.2014b.)
It's 38 degrees and we have thick fog here with some sun rays breaking through the low lying clouds on the ground.
Everything is still right now.
Sure. The dishwasher is making a racket. Harry's tank is trickling in sound. I hear the rush hour of cars driving down our busy street.
Life is in process. It is unfolding all around.
But, in this moment, everything stills. For, I am focusing on this present moment.
Life is always in a rush, without fail. Noise is always trying to break through and interrupt. It screams for attention, like a tantrum of a child. But, I can look past and have this moment. For, I will it. I choose it.
This moment, I cannot control. But, I can control how I react to it.
I choose stillness, even while there is noise.
I choose a time with God, time journaling, time to be still and breathe--just breathe. Slowly breathe. Breathe in stillness. Breathe in this moment to its fullest.
Stillness and breath.
Stillness and journaling as I focus on this present moment. Remembering Your Present. My present, even with and through the noise. Even in a busy life of changes coming. Even with the stress of a demented beagle and a cat living with, and who will die from breast and lung cancer. Claiming this moment, through the noise, to be still, breathe, and be fully present.
Remembering this present moment. Not allowing it to just slip by. Choosing to be still, so I can live, so I can breathe through all the noise. Cuckoo clock. Traffic. Dishwasher. Dementia. Cancer. Preparing. Planning. Retiring. Moving. Starting anew.
Stillness and breath.
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PERSONAL JOURNALING (12.17.2014c.): YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF "THOSE" DAYS
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday, 849 a.m.
I still sit on my sofa, in my pajamas, slowing sipping on my room temperature coffee, snuggled with beagle, listening to the noise of our furnace running, as I journal.
YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF "THOSE" DAYS
Fill in any colorful adjective there in "those." It was a day where everything that could go wrong did. It was one of those, "You can't make this stuff up" days for me.
It was an emotionally charged day.
The day started with a possible goodbye to a life. (Ugh. The tears are welling up as I type this.) On September 21, 2014, an old lady feral, dear, declawed cat adopted B (my husband) and I and has thoroughly stolen our hearts. (Yep. Lady Kara is a thief. A thief of hearts.)
A few weeks ago, we learned she had a mass on her kitty breast. They did a biopsy. Declared it cancer. So, B and I have a cat with breast cancer.
We needed to get her weight up (she was malnourished when she found us--horrendously so) and thyroid under control before they did surgery. Then, she ended up being bulimic, where everything she ate, she purged. So, she has been on an anti-nausea medicine. She finally started gaining weight.
Yesterday, I took Kara to the vet for two surgeries: dental and mass removal. But, first, they would do blood work and X-rays to see if cancer had spread.
Her cancer has metastasized. It is now in her lungs. The bottom part of her lungs.
Ouch. Kick to gut and in the teeth.
We have an incredible vet (and vet team). I cannot underscore that enough. (Thank God for him and the team.) The doc, who has seen Kara every three to four weeks since September said he barely recognized her. She is at a healthy weight and was less angry with them when they worked on her. She was feral and is an old lady, so she can be moody. But, she purred and loved on them for the first time. (She has become a constant lover and purrer, let me add.) He said other than the cancer spreading, she is in incredible health and has a high quality of life. (To God be the glory!) She is a whole different cat, living a life she has never had. One of love and affection. Spoiled, in the best sense of the word.
It could be days, weeks, or months. Don't know.
But, where the lung cancer is, it's in the best spot for her to live longer.
B and I will keep a close eye on her. We will not allow her to suffer. We are now offering her palliative care. We are her hospice, trying to make her as comfortable as possible.
That being said, she is still a terror on four paws. She is like any other normal cat. Today. (Please, Lord...)
So... There was that yesterday. There was more as well.
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BLOG TO BOOK (12.17.2014d.)
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday, 1035 a.m.
This blog is, and will be, jammed pack with all sorts of jewels, if you would only take the time to mine for them. Also, keep in mind that what might jump out at you from this blog in this moment might change in the next moment. Therefore, it's important to read as much of possible of this blog and journal about what does jump out at you.
That being said, I do not know about you, but sometimes I get a great deal out of reading something in a blog post, but I get far more out of it if I read it in a book. Therefore, I will turn this blog into several different books:
1 This blog in its entirety.
2 "JOURNALING STUFF: AN ENORMOUS RESOURCE ON HOW TO JOURNAL"
3 My spiritual memoir
4 Topical books
5 Seasonal books
I hope you will get more out of this blog, but far more importantly, out of journaling because of this plan of blog posts to book formats.
So, stay tuned. There will be a great deal more to come.
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PERSONAL JOURNALING: YESTERDAY'S SAGA PART 2 (12.17.2014e.)
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday, 1125 a.m.
In a previous Personal Journaling blog post and journaling entry I wrote today, I talked about how yesterday was one of "those" days, how "you can't make this up," and how yesterday had several things that went wrong. Well, the saga continues in this journaling entry.
Yesterday, after more things went wrong than what I care to share (it's highly personal, after all), I finally (bold, underline, caps, italicized of 'finally', let me add) was able to sit down, have a moment and write. Thank God! What sweet satisfaction I had as I sat down with my Amazon Kindle Fire HDX 8.9-inch 1st generation, and with my favorite journaling and writing online program. My favorite journaling program is:
Penzu is where I do all of my journaling and writing. All of it. For two years. All of it. I have over 6,715 journal entries, notes, and writings prior to December 11, 2014. I have since added 166 since and will add a great deal more.
Well, yesterday, I opened it, in desperation to runaway for a while to my journal and get some writing down, in an effort to still my emotional and draining, heart-wrenching day. I opened it and it was different. It changed. Without warning.
Was it my tablet? Tried to re-boot. Still changed. Tried a hard restart. Still changed.
It was missing most of the features I have come to depend on. What?!? (There may have been some cursing in my head. Drat.)
Opened it on my laptop. Same. So, not a problem with tablet or laptop. Penzu changed. Upgraded. The features I needed were not there (and still aren't as I type this the next day) B, my husband, called and got a frantic wife on the phone as I tried to figure out now what? What if Penzu was changing to something inferior? Oh, dear. Worry, Anxiety. Everything I am not, was not, supposed to do. But, that was why I journaled. So, I could settle my worry and anxiety--and I could not use it in the way I was accustomed. More worry and anxiety. (Ahh!)
There is NOT a program or app out there with all of the features of Penzu. Let me add.
Hubby talked with me as he drove home from work. He did not follow everything I was trying to tell him. So, I opened Penzu up on my computer and THEN, after over an hour and a half of panic, then a pop-up window appeared. It said they were in the process of making changes. Great. That would have been nice to know a couple of weeks ago, never mind today so I didn't have a nuclear meltdown in my head and heart. (Ugh!)
And, the pop-up said, not a direct quote, but my paraphrase: "You can use the classic version of Penzu," and to hang in there while they added the rest of the features.
Phew.
Whew--and the like.
Where was that before? Where was the warning?
They EXPECT me to pay on time or they cut off my PRO version and move me to the FREE version. But, they did not warn me that there could be a service disruption--when I depend on Penzu for my livelihood (professionally), never mind for my journaling and my sanity. So, pardon me while I am annoyed. They should pay me money or give me a coupon or a couple of month's FREE PRO because of how they are putting me on hold while I wait.
Aggravating.
That being said, IF they would have warned me even three days prior, preferable a couple of weeks before, this would not have been an issue. I could be very patient with them. Even though they expect my money immediately and FAIL to provide me what I pay for immediately--there will be a lag in-between services. That's not right.
But, I will give them this: They have kept classic as a possibility. The new look, I like a great deal more--IF they give me all the features the old one has. And, I will also give them this: They have THE BEST journaling program out there. Period. Hands-down. Without fail.
So, prior to yesterday, I would rate 100 stars out of 10.
Yesterday, 1 or 2 out of 10.
Today, 8 out of 10 as I wait...
Hoping the new version will be a 200 out of 10.
Everyone, use Penzu, even in spite of what I am saying here. I cannot recommend them enough.
I have used Penzu since November 2012 and have NEVER had one issue until yesterday. Their error was lack of advanced warning. But, if they are upgrading and improving, I will gladly wait. I am making due with the new version. If I need, I go to the Classic version, then switch back to the new.
Yesterday was not when I needed this.
I had flashbacks of when I lost ten years of handwritten journaling thanks to movers losing my/our stuff--thanks to this drama/saga yesterday. I still hurt from this. Ouch.
I turned to Penzu because of the moving fiasco.
Then, Penzu showed themselves as unreliable. Temporarily. I think they will make up for it. But, again, advanced warning would have been nice.
It's rather funny. I've dealt with rape, witchcraft, suicide, death, murder, divorce, Columbine, the Aurora Movie Theatre massacre, etc., in my life and in my family, but those, I have dealt with and they hurt only mildly now. The pain is a companion. But, losing ten years of journaling, and journals I have lost, that is what haunts me today and hurts me deeply.
Yesterday stirred up the loss of my journals and journaling ( past and present)...
BUT...
As I had the panic yesterday, and then was relieved later by the pop-up, I had a realization.
See the next Personal Journaling entry.
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PERSONAL JOURNALING BLOG POST (12.17.2014f): THE REALIZATION
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday, 1216 p.m.
THE REALIZATION AND A-HA MOMENT
I have always loved light bulb moments and the moments when the light comes on and I holler out, literally or in my head at least, "A-ha!" Something finally sank in. I finally got something. Comprehension has been grasped.
Last night, I had one of those moments.
Then again, the end of year, beginning of another year, turning forty, retiring, moving, holidays have really made me reflective. It's opened my eyes to something:
I am not supposed to do anything but journal and help coach others with their journaling. Period. End of story. Questions? (Question is for me, by the way. Not you as you read this.)
What matters most to me, apart from the obvious (God and hubby)? Journaling does. And, journaling has for thirty-two years. Journaling has been there for me when no one has been or could be. Journaling is how I communicate with God the best. Journaling is how I write the best and is the most fulfilling.
Why do I keep fighting it and running away from it? Talk about fruitless efforts.
I am highly qualified to teach/coach others to journal.
And, I can turn my journaling into works to inspire others to journal and/or live life more fully, intentionally, and joyfully.
If there was anything I could do 24/7/365 for the rest of my life, it would be journaling.
Needless to say, that's what I am going to do.
Journaling is a way of life.
Welcome to a new chapter in my life... Better late than never.
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END OF YEAR JOURNALING FOR 2014 (A JOURNALING HOW-TO AND PROMPT OR EXERCISE) (12.17.2014)
Written December 17, 2014, Wednesday, 1255 p.m.
We have fourteen days left in 2014.
Stop and let that sink in. This year is about to come to a close.
So, here is a question: How do you want to close this year? (Journal your answer.)
You have fourteen days to end this year on a glorious note, regardless of what has happened the other 351 days. So, end 2014 well.
MY PERSONAL END OF YEAR JOURNALING THOUGHTS: COUNTING MY BLESSINGS FOR 2014
How do I want to end 2014?
For me, it is far more important how I am on the inside than what I do. Being matters far more than doing. If I am well on the inside, the outer will follow naturally. Plus, the outer is only temporary. The outer is fickle and doesn't last. The inside stuff lasts and is eternal.
However, with that being said... How do I want to end 2014? I want to go as deeply as possible in my journaling and capture who I am now, what I stand for, what really matters to me, all of my blessings on the page. This is a thing of doing. It is also a thing of being.
I want to count as many blessings as possible between now and December 31, 2014.
This to me is the very best way to end the year and 2014.
IT'S YOUR TURN
Journal about how you want to end 2014.
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