They say that the Bible is the answer to and for everything. I couldn’t agree more, particularly as I type this. I will get back to this thought in a moment.
What I am about to share is a story I think everyone can
understand to some degree and has been at this place in life as well. I cannot wait
to share the journey of healing and how it’s changed me enormously already, for
the good. More of this will be reflected in the next blog post, by the way.
You see, I am using a new system now with my blogging and
writing. I am handwriting my prayer journaling, then typing it up as a blog
post. Once I get enough blog posts, I will turn them into a book by editing and
adding to them. This is a drastically different approach than I have ever used
and I want to make it one I keep using from now on since the truth is I write
better on the page by hand and then as I type it up, I am able to edit it and
make it all the better. It works well so far. I pray that trend continues.
I stopped blogging and writing for a while so I could pray
and see truly where the Lord is leading me with each, never mind my life. I had
to. I was desperate. After all, I realized nothing in my life, other than my
marriage, was working as it should or could. I am out of sync somehow. What I
am about to share is proof of my state of transition.
I am an adult. I have a brain and I know how to use it. This
means I can change. I have the ability to change. If I choose to do so. I also
realize it takes months of hard work, where it takes a constant deliberate
mindset to change. It does not come easily by any stretch of the imagination. I
have to change, and so did my blogging and writing because of what I am about
to share.
A little over a week ago, I had a wakeup call as I allowed
someone to hurt me deeply. It was someone I knew I should not have given the power
to do so, since they have bit me before, but I did. I thought, by mistake
again, that they had changed. Well, they have. They have the same spots, the
spots just moved a little and acted as camouflage so I didn’t see it coming.
The truth is, I don’t think they expected it either and it surprised them just
as much as it did me. They didn’t do it intentionally, but it still happened.
Also, I still have no idea how to pick up with them from here. I love them, but
I am no doormat. But, I cannot be a callous individual either. I keep praying
God shows me His biblical way and that I do not act merely out of what I
desire, which is self-preservation at this point.
I have forgiven, but it’s the forgetting part I am finding a
little challenging. (Okay… Maybe a lot challenging. Lord, help me.) However, it
says in 1 Corinthians 13 how love keeps no record of wrongs. Ugh. I know that
is essential. It’s nonnegotiable. That is why I have pulled away from them for
now because they don’t deserve any of my hostility as I try to forget and heal.
They don’t need me confused as I try to have a relationship with them. I will
say and do something stupid, by accident, and possibly intentionally at the
time, if I am completely honest with myself… and they sure don’t deserve that. Two
wrongs have never made a right. (Sorry about the cliché, but it conveys so
much.) Nor will I put myself in that predicament.
Needless to say, I am in the process of trying to heal, but
frankly have no idea where to turn or how to go about that. Or, maybe I should
have said that in the past tense. I had no idea where to turn and how no idea
to go about the process of healing. I do now, but again, I will get there in a
moment.
The fact I allowed myself to be hurt like that, when it is
in their nature, gave me a muchly needed wakeup call. That was when I realized
how my blogging and writing are proof that something is off with me, and
allowing the hurt is more proof. I have not been able to commit to one style of
writing. I even started to ask, am I supposed to even be a writer? Have I been
spinning my wheels, getting nowhere, for nothing? Have I been fooling myself?
Was it wishful thinking? Consequently, I took a step back.
That was when I started to do something I should have done
all along. I analyzed my life and where I am and where I will end up if I keep
heading in this direction. I’m talking as a person, as well as a Christian, as
a blogger, as a writer, and as a journal keeper. I didn’t care for what I saw. I
am a scatterbrain who commits to not much but my marriage. I want to commit to
my blogging and writing, but nothing ever lasts. I get an idea and the moment
the wind shifts, I give up the idea and switch to the latest, greatest, this is
it idea. None of this is fair to any of the readers of the blog or my writing.
So, what can I commit to anyway? What is holding me back from
making the commitment?
One thing I realized is as much as I try to pray, I really
don’t. I hope that makes sense, or will after a few blog posts (or should I say
blog post confessionals). I pray, but again, I haven’t really, truly, totally, completely
committed. (Yes. I used all of those synonyms to stress how lost I am with my
praying life.) Like my blogging and writing life. Like my Bible reading and
study as well.
Short of wanting to bury myself in a hole, or at least under
the covers of my bed in shame, I realized that it was with my prayer and Word
life I needed to start to commit. Really commit. Never give up or stop commit.
If my prayer life and Word life are nothing they should be,
wouldn’t it stand to reason that the rest of the facets of my life would be out
of kilter as well? After all, nothing is more important than my prayer and
Bible life. And, I mean nothing. But, my life sure has been a sorrowful poor
example of this, if I were to stop and be honest. Sure, I might do well for a
couple of days or weeks, but it wouldn’t last. It never did. And, it never will
unless I do something I have never done before.
So, what on earth does that look like? I couldn’t help but
wonder.
And, I ever dreamed the answer would be what it is. (I sure
do love it when He surprised me like He has the tendency to do.)
I realize now that I look back on things, God has been trying
to point me in this direction all along, but I never imagined it would be in
this manner.
I realized how I put too many expectations on prayer. Do all
of us do this or is it just me? And, in my effort of placing all of these expectations
on prayer, it would stop me from praying. It would stifle me and make me not
want to pray. Too many expectations on prayer would stop any of us from praying
as we should or could.
Now, it starts. (Just wait. You will see what I mean. I just
made the switch form narrative to prayer.)
I realize the main thing about prayer is to turn our hearts
and minds toward You, Lord… and talk with You, and listen, and pray Your Word.
Praying Your Word is the main answer to every question, problem, dilemma, confusion,
expectation, etc. with prayer.
No. Scratch that. Praying the Word is the answer for
everything… not just prayer.
Literally.
Don’t know what to pray or how, pray what you read in the
Bible, which is Your Word, Lord. Think your prayers are silly or immature? Pray
the Holy Bible. Want to pray more powerful prayers? Pray the Word. What to pray
without ceasing? Pray the Bible. Want to count your blessings and worship God
by giving thanks? Pray the Word of God.
Just open the Bible and pray whatever you read. Pray the
Bible. It really is that simple.
Thank You, Lord, for simplifying things. I oftentimes make things
far more complicated than they need to be. This makes it something I can do,
even when I am not thinking straight, and even when I am.
This is what I am focusing my entire life on now, is praying
through the Bible. I will also focus all of my blogging and writing on this.
And, this will not change. It cannot. There is too much at stake.
Just wait until the next blog post. That’s when things will
come together and it will bless your socks off! I guarantee it. God is good
that way.
Pray through the Bible. This is the answer.
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